Punk Made Me Episcopalian
Kids are great. You really cannot predict what’s going to interest them. My toddler? He hates “kid” music. The only thing that gets him to calm down is metal (which is a development from the few months that the only thing that calmed him was watching Nirvana’s Unplugged concert on repeat—the riff to “The Man Who Sold The World” is burned deep into my brain). Since we’ve exhausted Babymetal’s catalog, and he’s still iffy about Van Halen (likes “Jump,” cries at “Panama”), I decided to dig into some of my musical past and brought up “Something Must Break” by Ninety Pound Wuss—a shockingly raucous Christian punk band that I wasn’t really into in my youth, but have since come to appreciate a bit more recently (alongside the truly excellent Blenderhead). I mostly chose this because for my toddler, the louder and faster, the better.
Pulling up videos for Ninety Pound Wuss, I happened to catch a clip of them from a couple years back. I was surprised that they were still playing—Jeff Suffering, the creative lead of the band, had gone on to serve as a pastor at Mars Hill in Seattle, the church of controversial pastor and known jerk, Mark Driscoll. Because of this, I had assumed that Jeff Suffering had become a right-winger (basically there’s three paths for the Christian punk bands of my youth: disbandment, leaving Christianity altogether, or becoming a right-winger). But I noticed that one of the songs featured in the band’s reunion concert was “DeSantis Must Break”—a reworking of the aforementioned “Something Must Break.” So l looked into this.
I discovered a Facebook post (which I will not link here, because I refuse to help Zuck), where Jeff Suffering shares his political development. Apparently “Something Must Break” was an anti-abortion song (honestly, without printed lyrics, it’s impossible to know what he’s singing about in that song—he could be speed-screaming a casserole recipe for all I know). And after years of reflection, Jeff Suffering notes his changed views on the subject by saying:
Many who claim they are pro-life also seem to be completely against universal health care, free water, housing as a human right, taking care of immigrants fleeing oppression and generally all people considered “the least of these” defined by their own sacred text. No one set up a system to take care of unwanted children and mothers before ripping women of bodily autonomy and freedom.
So he re-wrote the song to condemn his former thinking, and to call out the hypocrisy of conservative politicians who call for liberty while at the same time suppressing freedoms. He notes that many of Ninety Pound Wuss’ songs called out the hypocrisy of the Church and that he’s keeping true to that.
This struck me. Mostly because I was suddenly hit with the realization that my own faith journey seems to have mirrored some of the bands that I knew in my youth—and that the Christian punk scene impacted me in ways I probably have not fully considered until now. A lot of the Christian punk bands sang about Christian hypocrisy, which I guess primed me for seeking something more true when it came to the Church...
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I came of age at a magical time: the mid-90s. And more than that, I discovered skateboarding in 1995, which put me right in the crux of “alternative” culture. Further, my mom has always been someone who viewed shopping as a recreational activity which meant I spent a TON of time in the mall. So I was steeped in the fashion, music, and aesthetics of what most people think of when they think “the Nineties.” Fresh Jive clothing, JNCO, clear plastic technology, wallet chains, Final Fantasy VII, Alien Workshop skateboards and clothes, the Nintendo 64, the advent of the internet… these were the textures of my upbringing.
But there was a complication: I was raised in a sometimes fundamentalist Baptist environment.
I say sometimes fundamentalist because my (large) Southern Baptist congregation would vacillate between old-school Baptist, contemporary evangelical, and Bob Jones University-esque Independent Baptist fundamentalism—depending on which group was the loudest at the time.
My mom worked for the church and wound up very influenced by all of this and so there were limits on my interaction with popular culture—which honestly probably predestined me for the “alternative” cultures of skateboarding, alternative rock music genres, and my often unconventional fashion sense. Because I had to justify my music choices, I became a very discerning listener.
I discovered rock music at the end of my seventh-grade year. I was on a “date” with my girlfriend at the time (she approached me at the beginning of the year, asked if I would be her girlfriend and I said yes—that kind of girlfriend). My mom had taken us out shopping and we wound up in a Christian bookstore. It was 1995 and dc Talk had just released their groundbreaking Jesus Freak album (an absolute monster record that would not only change my life, but probably popular Christian music forever). Deeply influenced by the grunge genre (seriously, the title track cribs the famous drum kick of Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit”), it grabbed me in a place that I did not know existed. Prior to that day I listened to film scores and Weird Al (my mom was still cool, even though she was expected to tow the fundie line from time to time). Because the record was Christian, my mom bought it for me.
I was now set to be defined by alternative rock for the rest of my life.
Just before that time, my best friend and I would hang out at a local ice-skating rink. It was our only exposure to mainstream music. Because it was the mid-nineties, the singles from Green Day’s Dookie (an album I’m convinced every person my age, regardless of music preference, has in their house somewhere) were ubiquitous. Something about “Basket Case” in particular grabbed my attention. But I knew that there was no way I’d be able to buy that album—aside from the title and lyrical content, any non-Christian music was off limits. So I set about looking for a Christian equivalent to that sound.
One of the cool things about Christian bookstores at the time was that they let you listen to CDs before you bought them. At the Christian bookstore I would come to frequent, their entire music inventory was scanned and put into a phone system where you could enter a code and listen to like thirty second clips of every song on an album. They also had entire CDs on particular listening stations for when they wanted to highlight particular groups.
Now, I was about to learn that I was alive during the heyday of a legendary Christian record label known as Tooth and Nail Records. Brandon Ebel founded the label, as I heard him put it once in an interview somewhere, so that there would be good music for Christian kids to listen to. In the days of big-haired Contemporary Christian Music powerhouses like Michael W. Smith and Sandi Patti—and even kinda corny rock bands like Petra—Tooth and Nail was a revelation. Ebel was signing obscure West-Coast skate-punk, alt-rock, and ska bands (who were part of a booming, largely Southern California subculture coming out of various evangelical churches at the time). Bands like Strongarm, Blenderhead, and The Crucified… bands that would scare the more polyester members of my church.
I kept seeing a band named MxPx as I browsed the shelves that day. Their On the Cover record featured these guys with piercings, tattoos, and a Superman t-shirt and I could tell that they were not like anything I’d seen on the shelves before. So I gave them a listen.
You know those moments in music biopics when people hear the featured artist for the first time and they kind of lose their minds? Like in Walk The Line when the record producer hears Johnny Cash play “Folsom Prison Blues” and realizes that history is happening right in front of him? That was me with those headphones on in the music section of Long’s Christian Bookstore on Edgewater Drive, on the outskirts of Downtown Orlando. I lost my mind, giddy with excitement. If this were 1962 and I was hearing “Love Me Do” for the first time, I’d be one of those screaming girls.
I snapped up a copy of “On the Cover” and was suddenly inaugurated into the world of punk rock and independent music labels. Within probably a week I had my first pair of JNCOs and Airwalk skate shoes. My first skateboard was a crappy thing made of particleboard I bought at K-Mart, but I soon upgraded to a board that I assembled myself—complete with my beloved Alien Workshop “Gas Mask” deck.
This one
This sudden change affected my mother. We would argue—over clothes and music, typical teenage stuff. My inner rebellious streak was unlocked. I would sneakily watch MTV (I got nailed while watching Gavin Rossdale play “Glycerine” in the middle of a thunderstorm during MTV’s Spring Break—one of the most powerful musical performances I’ve ever watched). But, by and large, this rebellious streak was directed toward legalism and the hypocrisy I saw in many of my fellow church-members.
Mike Herrera of MxPx has since admitted that he felt forced to include cringe-y overly church-y lyrics in their Tooth and Nail-era songs, and so he’s distanced himself from tracks like “I’m the Bad Guy” off Teenage Politics. Even as a kid I thought the lyrics felt forced, but the meaning behind them stuck with me:
Legalistic people suck legalism makes me sick I wonder what makes them tick? I wanna go puke on it Ephesians verse 2: 8 states God has saved us not by works but by grace so what's it gonna take? There's no getting thru to you
And a bit later:
Jesus knows my heart but you don't care you've already made up you mind
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There was a lot of pressure on kids like me. My youth-pastor (who became a mentor to me) was often in hot water with church leadership because his services were too loud and he attracted the “wrong kind of kids” (kids in gangs and such). I was always a true-believer. But I was also frustrated by the lack of conviction of many of my peers. I went to a Christian school attached to my church, and almost none of them were actual Christians. And the faculty of that school were dogged legalists who treated me like a troubled kid—even though I was probably the stand out Bible student of my grade, who never drank or smoked or did drugs or had sex (while the beloved star athletes did this, but were excused because they had better grades than me). Ironically, my commitment to Jesus (as I understood Him at the time) put me at odds with my fellows in my supposed Christian environment, a place that I have come to know very well even to this day (it’s tough being “conservative” and “liberal” in the “wrong” ways).
There’s a much longer story behind the catalyst for me to leave my childhood church and denomination. The quick of it was that there was a sex abuse scandal, which came on the tail of a ton of theological infighting, which led to more infighting after the pastor was removed from leadership. For me, this was coupled with both a hunger for something mystical and spiritual and an introduction to Catholicism thanks to my then-girlfriend.
I also became a reader. I was intimidated by books pretty much all my life. But I noticed that the people I admired read. So, after I left high school, I decided to become a reader of books. I started with The Lord of the Rings as a way to rip the band-aid off. Then I picked up 1984, a book that I had wanted to read ever since it was introduced to me through my exposure to the nascent Internet world (and reading 2600 magazine). That book helped me articulate what Christian punk unlocked in me, and what I saw was wrong in the Church as I had known it—thought-policing and double-think and all that.
This was because the Church as I had known it was actually pretty faithless, terrified that any exposure to the world outside its walls would result in collapse. Like all totalitarian ideologies, fundamentalist-leaning Evangelicalism unknowingly acknowledges its own fragility. It is afraid of freedom—even the freedom of Christ.
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I became Episcopalian in 2005, during my junior year at Palm Beach Atlantic University. My former youth-pastor would tell a couple of my friends that he couldn’t wrap his head around me doing this. “Chuck was so counter-cultural,” he’d say.
“But if you think about it,” one of them replied, “this is completely in line with something Chuck would do. To him, this is counter-cultural.”
This is true.
I became Episcopalian at Bethesda-by-the-Sea in Palm Beach, Florida. A gorgeous gothic church set among the wealthiest people in the world. The moment the light over my head clicked on, the idea seemed so deliciously rebellious. Many of my friends were attending an Evangelical megachurch with a rock band and smoke machines, replete with pastors trying desperately to be cool. The idea that my church could be an old gothic building with clergy in robes (one of them being a woman), ancient hymns, gorgeous stained glass… this was too much not to pass up. Further, I was a bicycle-riding surfer and writer with a lip-piercing and thrift-shopped clothes coming to worship among the country-club set. It was perfect.
It then turned out that I actually believed the stuff the Episcopal Church believed. The Thirty-Nine Articles and the Catechism of the 1979 Book of Common Prayer read like summaries of where my theology had developed during those years. And receiving communion from a member of the “One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church” after years of hungering for that sacrament sealed the deal for me.
I was home.
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At some point I’ll share more about my faith-journeys. Like how I reconcile same-sex marriage with traditional teachings of Christian marriage. Or why women’s ordination is a non-negotiable truth for me. About my convictions that “progressive” positions must come by way of dedication to the traditions and scriptures of the Church and that our Christian identity takes precedent over all other identities—thus requiring us to filter all other identities through who we become at baptism. But the simple fact is that the Episcopal Church deepened my faith in the Jesus I met as a child in the Baptist church—a church that gave me the tools that would lead me to where I am today.
If not for that fundamentalist streak I’d never have been funneled into the world of Christian punk. And without Christian punk, I might not be an Episcopalian.
As my supervisor during my hospital chaplaincy put it: my Episcopalianism made me a better Baptist. Sure.
And yes, for me this is still very counter-cultural.
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The Rev. Charles Browning II is the rector of Saint Mary’s Episcopal Church in Honolulu, Hawai’i. He is a husband, father, surfer, and frequent over-thinker. Follow him on Mastodon and Pixelfed.